The past couple of days I have felt pretty shitty. Not from an emotional standpoint but physically. I took it easy this weekend and found myself missing something. It wasn't her per se but "being" with her. I missed the comfort of coming home and crawling in bed next to her and wrapping my arm around her waist and burrying my face in her neck and her hair. Just breathing in the safety and comfort of it all. I missed sitting in bed reading and having my hand resting on hers or her foot rubbing against mine. It's the contact that I crave. I have my friends all around me but I miss the intimate connection of just having someone there who knows and loves you right there beside you. Not to talk but just to be close to me. I've spent the night there with her a couple of times since I left but it's just not the same. I wake up and I'm right where I belong but it leaves me with an empty hollow feeling. I worry that I'll never be able to love anyone as much as I loved her and that I'll never be content with where I am again. It's been 3 months and I'm getting better but I still have a long way to go. I just hope that in the end I'll find someone who will make me happier than I ever was when I was with her.

Current Mood: Half sick
Current Music: Imogen Heap - The Walk

I absolutely hate that I'm up early as hell every morning when all of my friends sleep til noon or later. It pisses me off. God knows I can use the extra rest. I've been overworked and absolutely exhausted but no matter how late I go to sleep I'm up by no later than 8:30 a.m. So I'm going to attempt to go do something constructive. I'll probably end up cleaning because my friend's birthday is today and she's coming over to smoke pot and just hang out. Ok I'm going to clean now. Adios.

Current Music: Outkast - So Fresh and So Clean

I'm beat as hell. I'm heading to the City for a couple of days on Wednesday so me and my brother Brian went shopping for some shit to wear to the party we are attending on Wednesday night. We ended up shopping til the mall closed and didn't eat dinner. We are going to have the most awesome time though because we are both pretty crazy. Him more so than me. So after taking him home I then went home and my brother Ray made the most awesome dinner ever. BROWNIES WITH BUTTERSCOTCH CHIPS IN THEM!! Well it wasn't supposed to be dinner but I'm not cooking. So Score! Life is good. Time to shower and get my ass clean for work tomorrow and for my excursion. Wednesday night party at the Marquee followed by bar hopping. Brian wants to go to Yogi's and to Cowboy Ugly which made me laugh and then I made fun of him and corrected him. Then running around the city Thursday. Hitting the spa followed by the Gnarlz Barkley concert in Central Park (got free tix through my brothers job). It's gonna be nice with no drama although she told me she was bummed she wasn't going although she had first crack at my trip and passed. Fucking asshole. But whatever. So goodnight to everyone. I'll talk to you soon.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Postal Service - District Sleeps Alone Tonight

Well here I am again I'm sure no one is reading this but I feel compelled to update anyway for anyone who cares. I'm feeling pretty good about my evening. I've recovered from seeing Patrick and the guilt and everything else and as I'm sitting out back smoking with my brother I get a text that reads:

Her - Alexis told dave the story about Long John Brown. Remember that?
Me - How could I forget
Her - Well it came up and I thought of you.

Sidebar: This is my fucking story. Long John Brown was between me and her and the only reason dumb bitch alexis knows is because its hysterical and I'm a great story teller. It is OUR joke. Just the thought of him hearing all these things that were mine make my skin crawl.

So there you go. I know she's out and about and thinking of me but what does that prove. I'm memorable at least. I think if someone truly loved you as much as you loved them they wouldn't be able to watch you suffer. If you love someone you want the best for them. What makes them happy. Putting them first is what you do. Maybe that's why it's hard for her to come here. Who knows. I wouldn't have hurt her like she hurt me. I wouldn't have treated her that way.

I'm off to watch Garden State and sulk ::grumble::

Current Mood: ugh
Current Music: Hate me by Blue October

I began today hoping it would fair better than the way I felt yesterday. I got up and started a new book and just took it easy. I got up and got dressed to head over to my uncles for my cousins birthday. As I was following my brother we needed to stop off and grab something from the store. As we pull in the parking lot it's where my ex works. Not her but Patrick. Last October I figured I'd venture out and try and dull the slow agony of living with her and started seeing Patrick. He was nice, extremely handsome, sweet and he loved me a lot. I on the other hand was always at a distance and when I went home everynight all my intimacy was given to her. I tried for 7 months to make myself truly love him but it failed and shortly after I moved out of her house I broke up with him. I felt terrible and he hasn't called or tried to reach out to me since July 3rd. As we pulled in I went by where he parks to see if he was working and sure enough he's sitting in his car on his break. His head leaning against the steering wheel just looking miserable. I know I did this to him and it was wrong. I let things go to far and I truly destroyed him. This is not one of my prouder moments in life because I turned him into an experiment. My first foray into heterosexual dating in years and he was my guinea pig. I couldn't love him the way I loved her and I was not sexually attracted to him. In all honesty the bulk of the time he repulsed me and after 7 months the closet I was in, it was stifling.

Lets face it i'm as gay as the day is long. No one knows except her and she truly hopes that I will find a nice young man that I can marry and pump out several kids to match her demon spawn. And the best part is is that when I do come out she's gonna bail because I'd essentially out her. After years of talk and conjecture everyone is going to put 2 and 2 together and she will probably never talk to me again. That's whats frightening. I've already lost her but I don't think I could bear to lose all of her.

So right now I'm in hiding just figuring it all out. Working on me. I'm ok with who I am but a little self improvement never hurt. I've spent the last 6 years of my life giving her all that was in me and now it's time that I take care of myself. So whatever my decisions are they are on my own terms and they aren't influenced by love or regret or fear.

The kicker about today is I was jamming to some old school fiona and after I see him and high tail my ass out of there before I was spotted I turned the radio back up and guess what song is on. Criminal...fucking perfect. "I've been bad bad girl, I've been careless with a delicate man. And its a sad sad world, when a girl hurts a man just because she can."

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Fiona Apple in my head

I headed out this beautiful evening to my friend lisa's apartment to just relax and hang out with a few friends. It was quite a beautiful evening and as I rode along the highway with my windows down I could clearly smell the river. It has been a hot summer so on a cool night like tonight riding with teh windows down it just reminded me of long car rides to the middle of nowhere just holding hands with "her" and being clearly content with life at the time. It's funny how just a smell can do that. Bring back so many memories that you forgot. Rides into the boonies to see the house that the whole rearside was made of glass that over looked the valley or just driving around trying to get lost. Stealing kisses and glances and smiles. Any and all forms of affection were welcomed and enjoyed. However as I sat there reminiscing about those countless car rides I remember this distinct memory. It must have been mid may four years ago because the weather was just like it was tonight. Chilly but wonderful. I was home half asleep watching tv. She calls me all drunk from the bar around the corner and asks me to come drive her car because she is too drunk. I get dressed and get a ride over and find her piss drunk sitting on the back of some guys motorcycle and she's grinning from ear to ear at me. Yeah she wants me. I take her to 7-11 and feed her and she wants to come stay at my house. Meanwhile this is in the beginning. A few drunken nights that we don't talk about but I assure you we both enjoy. However as I get her in my room I get ready for bed and she asks me to change her. I look at her and as I start to undress her she looks me straight in the eye and asks me why I never kiss her with the light on? I remember the red tshirt she was wearing the skirt that was riding up on the back of the bike. And I remember taking every article clothing off. I clearly remember seeing her face as I leaned into kiss her and every inch of her body illuminated in the light. She was an angel. I can clearly see the way she bit her lower lip as I took her face in my hands and kissed her on her lips, face, everywhere. I can taste her. I can smell her. I can feel her. It was heaven. It's amazing how this one smell led me to this thought. Maybe its because the river always reminds me of home and shes the only home i've ever truly known. Kinda like in Garden State. She felt like home. God I miss her.

So I was clearly distracted this evening by the memory of her so when I bailed out of lisa's early I took the scenic route home and turned the radio on loud and smoked and thought of her and that wondrous evening. It's the unexpected memories that kill me. Talking to her and seeing her with someone else is expected but these brief glimpses into a life I can barely remember hurt. I really love her. I do. Tonight my heart is breaking all over again.

I know she if she is awake she is thinking of me. But i'm not there. He's next to her and I'm alone exiled to the Isle of Elba.

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: the smiths - asleep

So I get up early and go to work and come here and pour my heart out on paper. When I'm all finished I have an email from "her". It's a link to some stupid website that she knows I will love and all its says is this: "Think of me..."

Are you fucking kidding me! She's slowly killing me.

Current Mood: She's goes for the jugular

I figured since it was my first entry I'd start at the beginning and what brought me here. I lived the first 20 years of my life as your average girl. Had lots of friends and chased boys and lived it up. However that changed when I met the most important woman who ever entered my life. I have never been so drawn to someone before. Everything about her drew me in and we immediately became best friends. When I think back about it now I was in love with her from the very beginning but didn't realize it til much later on when things changed. We did everything together. Our lives became intertwined. We couldn't exist without each other so she appropriately broke up with her boyfriend and moved in with me. We were affectionate with each other. She was the sister I never had and I was the friend she always wanted. One drunken night our lives changed, well at least mine did, and she became not only my best friend but the best lover I have ever known. I never thought it was possible to love someone as much as I loved her and I doubt I ever will again. In the beginning we would spend hours sitting up talking and laughing and fucking. We wouldn't sleep because neither one of us wanted to waste a minute. Separation was agony and togetherness was bliss. Life was good. She swore she would never hurt me regardless of what happened and I was foolish enough to believe her.

Fast forward 4 years, 6/21/06, and I get the greatest text message ever. She's on her way to her family vacation. It reads: "Well then you need to get over the fact that I don't need you all the time. Just be out of my house when I get back." I'm out, new boyfriend in and our secret love affair is a forgotten memory and she acts like i'm a crazy bitch. Our decline had begun before then but nonetheless I suffered through it all in silence. Who do you talk to when the one person that hurting you is the only person who truly understands you? No one.

We are trying to be friends. However I do love it when I get random text messages late at night. "Come here I need you. I need you to take care of me." And when I don't go running she gets angry. She made this. She discarded me like fucking trash. It hurts to say no but rarely do I give in. I've slept there twice since I moved out and its weird. It's hard seeing the person you know best be with someone else. You can read every nuance of who they are and they aren't yours anymore. She has a whole new set of inside jokes and whispers that i'm not privy too. I know every freckle, scar, beauty mark, scent and taste but all that does is just remind me of what I don't have. It doesn't matter if my hand fits perfectly in the small of her back or that I know the proper way to rock her to sleep. Not anymore.

I'm healing slowly. I thought that this would kill me and sometimes I felt like it would and that my heart would just beat out of my chest. However, I'm still here breathing, feeling and typing. I don't know who I am in her wake. I became something else when I was with her and now that she's gone I don't know whats left. I'm still figuring that out.

Current Mood: frustrated